There are many parts to breaking up, including breaking up legally, physically, emotionally, and financially. Women, in particular, must recognize that all these parts come into play when divorcing, and must be separated. Aim to separate your emotions from your finances, including treating the financial part of your divorce as a business transaction.

By Ellie Lipschitz and Dorian Brown

Focus on your financial future. Keeping your emotions in check is key to managing your money throughout your divorce negotiations, and more importantly, the long term. A forward-looking focus gives women the greatest chance at getting the best possible divorce settlement. The best financial settlement will usually avoid spending a lot of money on attorneys and going through a lengthy court process.

One of our clients felt a lot of anger towards her husband when he decided to move out. Not living up to his custody obligations – leaving her in a lurch and disappointing their eight-year-old twins – made the situation worse. Although their relationship was strained, the couple agreed to try the collaborative divorce process, which was an excellent and cost effective way for them to divorce, but which requires good communication.

Our client worked hard at keeping her emotions in check and the yelling to a minimum. She held her tongue and remained civil when speaking to her husband about issues regarding their divorce. When they hit a tough negotiating bump – trying to work out the amount of child support she would receive and who would pay for the twins’ educational expenses – her relationship with her husband was stable enough for her to call him directly and have a productive conversation.

Our client often shared with us (and her therapist) how difficult and painful each and every interaction with her husband was and how hard it was to keep her emotions in check. Due in large part to her self-control, the negotiations moved along quickly and her financial settlement was equitable. Her ex-husband agreed to pay a bit more in monthly alimony and child support than the guidelines indicated, as well as a little more of the joint cash than she expected.

Now six months post-divorce, she has a smile a mile wide. The anger and injustice that dominated her thoughts during the process seem like a distant memory, and she relishes the feeling of financial security that comes with winding up with enough money to live a reasonable lifestyle.

Contrast this experience with that of another client. She and her husband had a second home in Connecticut where the family spent their summers, and it held special memories for our client. When the couple separated, her husband made the Connecticut home his main base. Soon after, his girlfriend moved in, and he decided he wanted to buy our client out of her half of the house as part of the settlement. He offered her 10% over the market value to move the process along. Angry at him for living there with another woman in seeming bliss, she demanded that the house be sold. The house was tainted in her eyes, she explained to us, and she would never want to step foot in it again. However, she was also determined to stop him from living there. We showed her that financially it made no difference whether she received half the value of the house from him as part of the settlement, or half the value of the house when it was sold.

She spent the next nine months and tens of thousands of dollars demanding the house be sold – despite recognizing the financial reality. Ultimately, the judge ruled that her ex-husband could keep the house and pay her half.

The type of lifestyle a woman will be able to enjoy years after divorce is dictated by the outcome of financial negotiations with her ex-husband. We cannot emphasize enough the importance of controlling your emotions in order to obtain a reasonable financial settlement.

Dorian Brown and Ellie Lipschitz established FT Partners in 2012. The company works with women on the business side of their divorce. FT Partners educates and assists clients with understanding the financial aspects of their divorce so they can confidently negotiate an optimal settlement. To learn more about FT Partners, go to FTpartnersny.com.